Misery and Mirth

My platelet count is normal again

Pinckney Family Care called today, my cervical pap test came back as abnormal (pre-cancer) again, for 3rd time, so same routine come back in 5 months to check it again.

The Hematologist office also called me again today and told me my platelet count from yesterdays test are in the normal range now at 278 x10^3/uL. I am to reduce my prednisone to 2 (20mg) tablets a day instead of 3. YEAH!!!
Which is a good thing since I tried to do some repotting of plants outside this afternoon, tripped over a loose brick and tore up the side of my lower leg. It did bleed quite readily and I had to put pressure on it for a while but it’s fine now. 
The hematologist receptionist also told me that they moved my next appoitnment to St. Joseph Mercy, Ann Arbor because I would be given a finacial counselor through them who may be able to help me get medicaid. There’s some political bullshit going on with the Brighton location; St. Joseph Mercy Woodland , refusing to give finacial assistance and they even tried to deny my 1st appointment. So fine!   If it means I will get medical coverage I’ll drive extra 20-30 minutes out to Ann Arbor.

I have been noticing other bad side effect of the Prednisone thats not listed on the pharmacy Information sheet, decreased Libido, upset tummy and frequent emissions of really rank smelling gas.   Prednisone can affect the sex drive and sexual performance in addition to all it’s other charming side effects. yipee.   The good news is that once prednisone is stopped, the side effects (including an altered sex drive) are usually reversed, but I am scheduled to be on Prednisone for months?  Oh Joy!!

Hematologist Visit

Well I spent a couple hours at the St. Joeseph-Mercy Woodland Clinic today seeing the Hematologist, Dr. Winegarden. He said I am responding well to the prednisone and in about a week they will begin weaning me to lower doses over the next couple months and see how I respond. Woo hoo!

I have the results from all my blood tests taken last week; the 3 platelets counts are recorded in previous posts & on those 3 complete blood counts (CBC) my red and white blood cells counts were normal. The rest of my results are below.

The routine blood test from Tuesday April the 18th:

My total cholesterol, triglycerides, LDL and HDL are all good. My fasting blood sugar is also good.  My TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) is slightly low; it should not be below 0.3 it was at 0.27. So I need to have my thyroid medication adjusted slightly.

The Hospital tests from Wednesday April 19th:

The Basic Metabolic Panel (BMP) – Normal.
BMP is a group of 8 specific tests that are often ordered in the hospital emergency room setting because its components give doctors important information about the current status of your kidneys, electrolyte and acid/base balance, blood sugar, and calcium levels.

Liver profile – Normal
A liver profile is a group of blood tests that tell how well your liver is working. There are many different laboratory tests in a liver profile. A common list of tests includes liver enzymes (n-zimes. Other tests may look for substances that have been made or changed by the liver such as proteins or bilirubin (bill-e-rew-bin). Bilirubin is a reddish-yellow material that comes from the normal or abnormal destruction of red blood cells.

Urinalysis- Normal
Urinalysis is a physical and/or chemical examination of the urine. It consist of a battery of chemical and microscopic tests to screen for urinary tract infections, renal (kidney) disease, and diseases of other organs that result in the appearance of abnormal metabolites (break-down products) in the urine.

Lupus Anticoagulent- Postitive(bad)                                                  
Lupus anticoagulant is a specific immunoglobulin that prolongs the time it takes blood to clot but does not produce a bleeding disorder. It occurs in approximately 25% of people who have lupus erythematosus, and is also seen in people who take phenothiazine medication, as well as in otherwise normal people. In some people it is associated with an increased risk of blood clots and may be the cause of recurrent spontaneous abortions. If a secondary disorder such as thrombocytopenia is present, bleeding will probably occur.

Prothrombin time/ Partial Thromboplastin Time (PT/PTT) – prolonged/elevated(bad)                                                                   PT/PTT tests bloods coagulation system and clotting mechanism.

Dr.Winegarden says the last 2 test may be a sign of a different more rare blood disorder. As a result more blood was taken from me today for even more tests. I have to go back every week and have a CBC blood test for an undefined but prolonged period of time to keep an eye on my platelets and in 2 weeks I have an appointment to see Dr. Winegarden again to discuss the recent blood tests and what my long term treatment options may be.

Autoimmune Illness, PBB’s & Kitty Bloat

Today I made 2 more necklaces; I’m disappointed that concentrating on beading, the computer screen, reading or most anything brings on a worse migraine. I’d like to have gotten a lot more done today but I’ll try and be happy with every little bit I accomplish.
Also today with a little help from Les and the Pay Pal tutorial I have added a Donation Button to my blog. I know times are hard for a lot of people right now but if you could spare a little I would be most appreciative.  Soon I will have photo gallery of jewelry that you can purchase, so you can get something for you money. 

Oh, Good news! I have notice one positive “side effect” of the prednisone this week. My Psoriasis is gone. No more itchy, thick, red, scaly skin. YEAH!!!!!
I’ve had “mild” psoriasis for years, it’s been worse since 1999, when I became resistant to my previous thyroid medicine and developed new “syndromes”.  My family doctor would kind of blow me off when I mention my skin problems and never refereed me to a dermatologist. So I just coped with it by exfoliating daily and using strong “dandruff” shampoos. 

Here is an easy to read website on Psoriasis if you want to know more. http://www.niams.nih.gov/hi/topics/psoriasis/ffpsoriasis.htm

Yes, I have been suffering from one autoimmune problem or another since I was born.
From my research and discussion’s I’ve had with doctors and MSU professors it is apparent my “damaged” immune system is a results of accidental exposure to polybrominated biphenyls (PBB’s)  as a fetus and baby.

Michigan Department of Public Health Statement on PPB’s: http://www.michigan.gov/documents/mdch_PBB_FAQ_92051_7.pdf

Many people in Michigan during the mid 1970’s were exposed to PPB’s, because it got into the agricultural feed supply and contaminated everything down the line; cattle, sheep, pigs, chickens, eggs, milk, cheese, butter. It is a fat soluble chemical which means it stores up in your body tissues, so while I was gestating in my mother womb she was contaminated and it was mutating my DNA. When the accidental expose was identified the government did a quarantine and slaughter of contaminated feed, animals and by products. The public was made aware, but told not to worry. My parents stopped buying Michigan milk and my mother had her breast milk tested. She tested positive but was assured that it would not harm me. YEAH RIGHT! 
Way too many women from Michigan around my age, including all 3 of my sisters have hormonal/endocrine problems.  A local gynecologist that used to treat my sisters remarked at how highly unusual it was for us all to have polycystic ovarian disease/syndrome (PCOS) and wanted to do a clinical study on the prevalence of PCOS because she had so many patients with it but the government wouldn’t give her funding. They don’t want to bring any more attention to this “mistake”.

Easy to read site on polycystic ovarian syndrome:
http://www.4woman.gov/faq/pcos.htm

Other good news !! My cat, Phattie is doing well on her new diet.  She started it about the time I went into the hospital. She is an old lady and was suffering from a common elderly cat problem, called mega colon. The lower intestine loses function and doesn’t push waste through properly so it sits in the colon too long and all the water is absorbed the waste becomes “stuck”. So the colon swells up, causes belly bloat, constipation, blockage etc.  So I took her off dry food, she gets wet canned food twice a day with a little aloe and bran added a few times a week. I also give her a few tartar and plaque control treats every day so her teeth will stay strong and healthy.  She loves this new diet and has been very vocal about getting me up in the morning to feed her breakfast. I don’t even need my alarm clock anymore.

Treatment Options

Last night and today I have been looking through a lot of ITP websites, researching treatment options and getting depressed and freaked out. It just hit me suddenly how serious this really is, that NO CURE exists and that the treatments can be as bad as the disease.

Treatments (in alphabetical order)

Anti-D: Used to achieve a temporary elevation of the platelet count. It has the advantage over IVIg of being administered via injection rather than an IV infusion.

Chemotherapy: Various chemotherapy drugs have been used as an almost last resort for chronic ITP patients. Vincristine and Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide) are the ones that are most frequently prescribed. Each has a slightly different profile of side effects. They include hair loss, decreased immunity, and damage to the central and peripheral nervous systems.

Danazol (danocrine): This drug is also used to treat endometriosis. It is a synthetic androgen (male sex hormone) It disrupts the action of the pituitary gland and reduces estrogen, halts menses, and promotes the growth of facial hair and acne.

Decadron (dexamethasone): A steroid, similar to prednisone in its effects on the body. It is often given in pulses, doses of a shorter duration that are repeated. Long term use can result in altered mood and personality, cataracts, glaucoma, hypertension, arrhythmias, peptic ulcers, pancreatitus, osteoporosis, and increased susceptibility to infections.

Imuran (azathioprine): An anti-arthritic and immunosuppressive drug. It is also used to prevent the rejection of transplanted organs and in the treatment of rheumatoid arthritis and lupus. It can reduce the level of white blood cells, cause liver damage and increase the risk of malignancy.

IVIg: This is an intravenous infusion of immunoglobulin, a type of antibody.  The antibodies attach to the receptors in the spleen, sparing the removal of antibody coated platelets. This treatment is a temporary measure and is not expected to result in a sustained elevated platelet count, although in some rare cases this does happen. The side effects include allergic reactions and heart palpitations.

Prednisone: This steroid is often used in the treatment of allergies and other autoimmune diseases.  For ITP, typically the dose is initially quite high then gradually tapered. Sometimes the platelets remain elevated after the prednisone is tapered. In most cases the platelet count recedes as the prednisone is reduced.  The side effects can be uncomfortable and grow in severity if the treatment is continued for a long time. They often include weight gain, mood changes, elevated blood pressure, insomnia, blood sugar changes, calcium loss, muscle wasting, and increased susceptibility to infections.

Rituxan: This is a monoclonal antibody approved by the FDA to treat lymphoma. There has been some initial success in its use to treat ITP.  Clinical studies are in progress.

Sandimmune (cyclosporine): Helps prevent the organ rejection in kidney, liver, and heart transplants by inhibiting some white blood cells and their growth factors. It can cause excessive hair growth, liver toxicity, a low white blood cell count, and lymphoma.

Splenectomy: This is a surgical procedure where the spleen is removed. The spleen acts like a giant lymph node. It plays a part in maintaining a healthy immune system and cleans the blood of foreign matter. It helps Theoretically, if the spleen is removed, the platelets will stay. However a splenectomy does not always result in a sustained elevated platelet count. The liver may take over the spleens function and eliminate the platelets that have antibodies bound to them.
After a splenectomy, the patients’ immune system is compromised. Immunizations are given before the operation and periodically after. Some hematologists suggest the patient take antibiotics as a preventative measure. Others do not.

Alternative Medicine

I also have been reading up on Eastern Medicine(Non-pharmaceutical, non-surgical treatments).  The 2 most common to treat ITP I keep coming across are:

1. Ayurvedic Medicine combines natural therapies with a highly personalized, holistic approach to the treatment of disease. It treats the whole person, addressing body, mind, and spirit. The Ayurvedic practitioner typically does a pulse diagnosis and categorizes the person’s condition based on the unique Ayurvedic system. The practitioner then recommends herbs, bodywork, cleansing treatments, lifestyle changes, diet suggestions, meditation, music therapy, etc. to bring balance back to the body.
This might be interesting to try but its very costly, not covered by insurance (even if i had any) and Ayurvedic practitioners are not easy to find.

2.  The Macrobiotic diet is recommended quite frequently. The macrobiotic diet is high in natural, unrefined foods, low in saturated fats, and rich in essential fats. It’s a very strict and limited regime. No alcohol (except Mirin rice wine) coffee, sugar, spices, meat, eggs, cheese.  Basically consisting of 50% whole grains; 25% seasonal vegetable; 10%, soy, fish, legumes; 5% fruits, nuts, seeds and drink. The last 10%, I don’t know? The person who wrote this up on wisegeek.com is either really bad at math or its meant to be “free choice” from a list of use sparingly foods/condiments/seasoning.

So far I’ve only found personal stories and antidotal evidence for people with ITP going off medicine and into remission through alternative medicine. But there is lot of clinical trials I have read showing it has cured people of multiple types of cancer and other autoimmune illness.
Switching to a macrobiotic diet is not going to be an easy thing, but its may be a lot better than the pharmaceutical and surgical alternatives because they offer slim chance of remission and have so many detrimental side effects. So I’m going to research the macrobiotic diet a little more and likely give it a try.

Blog, Beads and Blood

If you’re reading my blog today you may notice the color changes, I am learning a little bit about html and customizing my blog page. I probably spent WAY TOO MUCH TIME changing the colors back and forth until I found ones I liked, and I still need to find a header image I like, and figure out how to put that in.

Also last 2 days I’ve been organizing my beads and other jewelry supplies. My sister Amber gave me a whole MESS of beads she didn’t want anymore. I had to organize and sort through them for ones I thought were decent quality to use. I figure if I’m making “nice” jewelry to sell I don’t want to use any of those big, cheesy, children’s craft beads. I use some plastic but most the beads I use are glass, ceramic, stone, metal and fimo.

Yesterday I repaired a pair of necklaces for my niece Courtney and today I made a few new necklaces, though one I am going to have to re-string because Aaron, my 2 & 1/2 year old nephew became fascinated with the shiny beads, ran of with it and pulled it apart. I wasn’t upset by that at all, because just before he broke it I made the comment that the wire on that particular necklace was too weak.  So all good, I don’t want to be making crappy quality stuff. He can be my quality control tester.
Tomorrow I should take pictures of all the stuff I have already made and set up a photo gallery and figure out pricing.

My prednisone side effects:
Today was a chilly, rainy day but amusing enough I was hot. The prednisone is giving me hot flashes. While everyone around me is complaining of being cold I’m in short sleeves, with a flushed face, fanning myself.   
The headaches/migraines are still a daily occurrence. Almost like withdrawal. If I don’t take the prednisone exactly every 4 hours a headache starts and most often won’t go away. It was also giving me BAD back pain for 1st few days but at least that seems to be going away now, the pain is not lasting for hours and more of a nagging annoyance now than the rolling around on the bed trying not to cry pain. 
It has been messing with my ability to sleep too. I have a hard time actually falling to sleep and it makes me wake up and pee every 3-4 hours. It makes me awfully thirsty and I’ve had bad dry mouth, dry skin and chapped lips. So during the day I am trying to stay hydrated and I have to pee much, much more frequently. It’s bad when I have to worry about urinating on myself if I’m too far from a bathroom.
I really DO NOT like how ravenous it makes me feel. I will eat a sensible meal and know I should and used to feel full. Now I feel like it makes me have an uncontrollable appetite, I’m hungry all day long. I can’t allow myself to gain anymore weight, I am obese as is. I think I am more concerned with getting fatter than dieing. Well logically (to me) getting fatter will compromise my health even more, so (more) fat = shorter life span/death.
In last 7 months (since the appendectomy and bleed out) I have gained back all the weight that took me 2 years to lose.  It’s just so frustrating every time I seem to take one step forward with improving my body and health I get knocked back 10 steps.  Oh, I wonder, did they check my platelets from all those blood draws they took after I bled out from my appendectomy surgery? Did I have the beginning phase of ITP 7 months ago?  That would explain why I had such a terrible bleed out and why my recovery was so excruciatingly slow.

Lab results

I went and had my blood taken again this morning at the hospital lab and my doctors office called with my results less an hour later, they had my test on rush processing. My results came back at 66 x10^3/uL or x10^9/L. That’s still very low and high risk but improving.

I really hate the side effects of the Prednisone they are getting to me, but it’s doing its job. Prednisone is a steroid, but nothing like the athletic ones that pump you up, this type is more likely to make you gain “fat” weight (oh yeah ) than to build muscle. Prednisone is used for the purpose of inhibiting the immune system. Its specific purpose for me is to reduce the production of anti-platelet antibodies and slow the clearance of platelets from the system. They are trying to slow my haywire immune system from attacking these healthy platelet cells.

I need to be extremely careful about “germs” now because suppressing my immune system leaves me at risk for catching infections very easy. So I hope people don’t get offended if I refuse to shake hands, hug or come close when they are sick. 

craft 2000

Well today was pretty decent day, more mirth than misery. The prednisone medicine gives me bad migraines all day and back ache for hour or 3after take it and I am still very sore, and weak but I tried not to let it interfere with my day too much.  I went on a day trip I couldn’t stand just laying about anymore.

This afternoon my Mother, Rob and I did a little sight seeing as the Mapquest.com directions were not very accurate and we got a little lost on the way to the HUGE craft Store in Monroe, Craft 2000. They have kick ass, great prices.  Rob bought me a bunch of jewelry supplies. So I need to get cracking at making bunch of it and try to sell it so I can pay for my medical bills. YEAH RIGHT!

After we left Craft 2000 we drove to Southgate for Pizza, great little Italian eatery near Rob’s home. Had a nice dinner, dropped Rob off at home, then Mom and I came back to our home.

When we got home my father informed us that my sister Alica had called back and no longer wanted to visit. She had forgotten she had an uuhh appointment yes that’s it and was just going to be sooo busy this weekend. YEAH!! I don’t have to share my bedroom.
She had called yesterday wailing and crying saying how much she missed the family, how bad she feels because she’s wasting her life and wanted to come visit. My mother told her she could not get her until friday. But if she missed us so much than why has she refused for 2 years to come visit us? Making up such lame excuses that she can’t really think we believe it?  And about wasting her life, well thats her own fault. She’s 27 never got her drivers license (she just kept refusing to study and go take the test, it’s one thing to be afraid of failure but that’s ridiculous.) She doesn’t have a “higher” education (she flunked out of community college 1st year, because she skipped classes and didn’t study.) or a job (she quit her last 3 jobs ).  She is stuck in a prefabricated house owned by her father in law, out in the middle of no where and alone most of the day while her husband works.  She spends all her time on computer or video games so not getting much exercise and eating unhealthy of course caused her to gain weight, which as I know from own experience any weight gain makes a women feel even worse about herself. 

This call/visitation offer was likely not even about us; she has performed this behavior before she even got married. She was living with her boyfriend (now husband) and they would have a big fight. She’d tell him she was leaving him. Then call and tell my parents to come get her, but then Alica & Justin would make up before my parents had drove out, and Alica would not want to leave with them anymore. Justin would still be in a tense mood, so if my parents tried to stay and visit he’d shut himself into his bedroom, be antisocial. After 1st few times this happened my parents just waited an hour before leaving and Alica call back of course and say forget it. It’s just her way to manipulate people. Making Justin feel bad/guilty by saying she is leaving because of his treatment or whatever. The dope does love her so he doesn’t want to lose his wife.  Also she is trying to make our family feel sorry for her, by laying on the “poor me” dialogue. I don’t feel sorry for her, she has chosen this path. She could have done a lot of things to improve her life and was/is just too slothful and apathetic. I do pray and wish all the time that she can find some true clearity, motivation and the will to make something of her life that will make her some what content(no one loves their job all the time) and assist her husband and her in having better finances.

I never chose to be afflicted with autoimmune illness (es) or physical limitation. Despite my hardships I fought and struggle my way through college and got my well earned bachelors degree. I struggle every day with physical pain and decreasing mobility and don’t receive the proper medical care because doctors don’t like dealing with people who don’t have insurance. Yet if you even meet me you’d see I try to be friendly, pleasant, humorous person. I know my blog is filled with a lot of negative ranting. I guess is just helps me to get the negative stuff out on here so I can be more pleasant and positive when actually interacting with people.

Trying to schedule my hematologist (blood doctor) appointment was a horror yesterday. The Hematologist I was notified to call refused to allow me to make an appointment when they learned I had no insurance. So I had to call the hospital doctor back and Dr. Newton, I think was his name called the hematologist office, Then Dr. Newtons’s people called me back and said call back the hematologist office again. Who then referred me to a different doctor who possibly values saving lives over how much money they can milk me for? Crazy!!!

I T P

Its Wednesday April 19th, I am physically exhausted, sore, and feel mentally drained.
I spent the better (or worse) half of my day in the hospital.  I was admitted to the Hospital Emergency early this morning. I am not well, not well at all. 

Monday 4/17 I went to my doctor’s appointment as planned, thinking my months of feeling sicker and sicker may be allergies or I needed an adjustment to medication for my autoimmune thyroid disorder.
 
Tuesday morning I went to the hospital lab and got the 4 blood tests my doctor had ordered. Then I headed out to visit my boyfriend. Later that day I got a phone call from my mother & was ordered to return home immediately. The doctor had called her and wanted me to check into a hospital ASAP. I came home & brought Rob with me but didn’t want to sit in an emergency all night so I said I’d go in the early morning when it’s not so busy.  I had a fitful sleepless night.

Wednesday early morning I was admitted to the ER. My blood platelet was 11 x10^3/uL or x10^9/L . (245-445 x10^3/uL or x10^9/L is normal) I was at risk for a major hemorrhage in my brain. They took 6 vials of blood and other body fluids & performed a bunch of tests. I already had sign of “minor” bleeding in different areas of my body. That “rash” I had last Tuesday was actually thousands of minute red spots containing blood that appears in my skin and mucous. membrane as a result of localized hemorrhage.  Plus I had been having a constant drip of blood in my nose for days, sudden bruising etc.

I am on medication now, my blood platelets were up to 22 x10^3/uL or x10^9/L on last test & the hospital doctor is allowing me to go home but I have to get more blood tests Friday and see a blood specialist next Wednesday. They believe I have Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Purpura. (ITP)

“Idiopathic” means that the cause is unknown. “Thrombocytopenic” means the blood doesn’t have enough platelets. “Purpura” means a person has excessive bruising.

In people with ITP, all of the blood cells are normal except for the blood platelets. Platelets are the tiny cells that seal minor cuts and wounds and form blood clots. A person with too few platelets bruises easily and bleeds for a long time after being injured. Tiny red dots on the skin, called petechiae (say “pe-TEEK-ee-ay”) might also appear. When the platelet count is very low, the person with ITP might have nosebleeds that are hard to stop, or might have bleeding in the intestines.

The cause of ITP is not known. People with ITP form antibodies that destroy their blood platelets. Normally, antibodies are a healthy response to bacteria or viruses. In people with ITP, however, the antibodies attack the body’s own blood platelets.
Treatment of ITP in adults is aimed at increasing the blood platelet count. This is not the same as curing the disease. Patients may take prednisone for several weeks, even a month or longer. However, when the medicine is stopped, the platelet counts may get low again.
If prednisone doesn’t help enough, the spleen can be removed. The spleen makes most of the antibodies that destroy the blood platelets. It also destroys old or damaged blood cells. In an otherwise healthy young person, removal of the spleen is not a serious operation.

I am on limited activity so I don’t bump, bruise or cut myself. So I’m just trying to chill and be very cautious of my surroundings. I’d be bored to death if Rob wasn’t here. Rob had Tuesday & Wednesday off but also called in and is taking Thursday off to stay with me. We are both a little disappointed that uhhhhmmm, certain intimate activities have to be put on hold until my platelet count is good. The chance of bruising or a bleed is just too

I’m….. ok; I don’t know why I got to be the weird one with all these autoimmune illness. I’m trying not to stress over this illness or all the costs. I still owe over $3000 from the appendix surgery, don’t have any medical insurance coverage and I have been warned all these tests, hospital and the blood specialist is going to be EXPENSIVE, but if I don’t get this done I’ll die. SO better to be in debt than dead, Right?

More Ranting & Some Easter Stuff

This week was interesting. On Tuesday I had some kind of weird allergic or immune reaction, I believe from a possible food additive in the dinner I ate at Bob Evans with Rob. An hour or 2 after we had dinner, we were walking around & shopping I looked down at my arms and I kinda freaked me out because I had broke out in a major rash.  I’ve had hives and allergic reaction to things I’ve touched or come in contact with, like certain plants, wool, cheap lotions, soaps etc. This rash was weird because it was under the skin, not raised bumps on the skin.  It looked like 1000’s of bright red tiny blood spots. My hands didn’t really itch, but I began to itch midly other parts of my body. When we got back to Rob’s home, I went into the bathroom and saw the spots were EVERYWHERE.  I immediatley found an antihistimine and lil later the itching stopped. I’m still covered in spots but they are fading.

I have an appointment for the Doctor on Monday. I’m 2 months over due for a check up to make sure my cervical cells have not further mutated into cancer. I’m at least a year probably closer to 2 years over due on blood test to check my thyroid. I’ll also have them check if I am still anemic and I’ll ask them about the rash but most likley they will tell me there are not sure what the rash was caused by and tell me I should see a specialist.  Which I won’t do because I can’t afford to, I’m still paying off the huge debt from getting my appendix out and nearly being bled to death. Sssooo If anyone’s got some spare change or bills, I’d be a very apprecitive charity case. LOL

Thursday morning around 2am, after leaving a friends place. I was filling my tank at a gas station in Wyndotte. I once again was faced with cruel fact that people hate me just for being fat.  Not like I haven’t been feeling bad enough. Like I don’t struggle with self worth, and body issues, feeling like a diseased worthless failure because I can’t get my body to lose weight, and I can’t convince people that despite my body I am more than qualified and worthy to work their retarded monkey job. Any way back to 2am at the gas station.  Some car of %^#&$% guys pulls up, along the road next to the gas station and begin yelling at me.  Initially I didn’t realize they were yelling at me so I didn’t understand the 1st half of what they were yelling. But what I did hear they basically implied I looked like a cow, my belly looked like a cows udder and asked if they could milk me. It really distressed me that strangers would go out of there way to cause me emotional harm, that this was amusment to them.

All day I kept thinking about just taking a knife and hacking off my belly, cutting the chunks of hated flesh, killing the life sucking giant slug entwined within my skin. (If your reading this Mom, don’t freak out I’m not going to cut myself) I HATE my body, OK! I Despise it, I’m disgusted by it.  Yes I know I’m fat, its no %$#@*&! revalations.  I hate it more than those %^$%* bastards & bitches out there who find it so comical to treat fat people as 3rd class citizens.  What kind of craziness is this that our society would deem it acceptable to treat fat people this way!?  When America IS the FATTEST nation, the overweigh and obese are soon to be the majority if we aren’t already.  Our culture of supersizing, over processed, over eating, over feed for every holiday, for every mood comfort yourself with food. Additives and hormone and pollution messing up our bodies causing metabolic disorders and diseases. We are like frankenstein’s monster. Our society, our culture created us but it is disgusted by us and it’s creation but can not control what it has already done.  Ok. I feel little better now, Had to get that out.

Today I went grocery shopping for Easter Dinner supplies with my mother and 2 & ½ year old nephew, Aaron. His Mother, Amber and My other older sister, Anne went out and had did errands too. We all had decided to Let Amber have a day without Aaron, because he has been especially “terrible” since his father left for military training. He has not given Amber more than an hour or few of peace per day. Plus she has been very stressed because the military messed up her husbands paper work, and her husband did not get his pay for almost a month, So she was having problems paying bills and felt very bad that she has had to rely on our parents and her siblings to help her with grocerys.  The Money finally got deposited in there bank today.
Also today I made 10 chocolate easter bunnies, and a few additional chocolate candies for all my family. For Easter and some other holidays we make our own chocolate candy. This way we can choose lower sugar dark chocolate with few(er) preservatives and higher flavonoids (good for heart), even when we use fillings, like peanut butter filling, a favorite among the family this year, we reduce the sugar by using Splenda, and there is little to no Trans fat (The baddest of the bad fats)in our candy, not like the store bought brands. Eating a lot of any kind of candy of any kind is not great for anyone, but at least we try to take a holiday tradition and make it a little healthier.

There won’t be that many people at Easter this year, Just Mom, Dad, Amber, Aaron and I.
Anne and her family(Les & Courtney) rotate holidays, this year they will spend Easter at her husband’s parents house next year at our parents.
I think my brother, Aral will be going to his girlfriend, Lynn’s Parents House In Ohio.
My sister Alicia and her husband Justin of course won’t show.  Oh we don’t have money for gas to come see you, for 2 years!!!! But will drive twice as far to his family house every holiday, and spend multiple days every week driving an hour out to Lansing and then drive around Lansing as unpaid volunteers to write parking tickets. Yet she refuses to get a paying job. She has no physical or mental disability. Just makes no sense to me I am physically impaired and trying like Heck to get a job. She is able bodied and trying to cheat money out of the system. Allright, ok, don’t get started on that. Yeh a sore spot.

So Easter Morning the 5 of us will drive out to see my only living grandparent, My grandmother Maye, on my mother’s side. We will go to Church with Grandma & have brunch after. Then drive back home and Mom and I will cook our Easter mini feast. After dinner we will hand out our Easter goodies baskets. We often have games, toys, and stuff, instead of all candy. I bought some anime for Courtney, my niece’s basket, she’s really into that thing and a stuffed animal for Aaron, my nephew.
Happy Easter to you all, I hope you have a enjoyable weekend. 

April Construction

Not too much excitement this week. I visited Rob mid-week he no longer has weekends off, now he’s got Tuesday and Wednesday off.  Driving has become a pain. All this %$#@!&*%  Michigan construction is making it crazy awful to get anywhere, but I guess it’s helping me learn more routes and navigation. I now know lot more routes to his place.

It’s been a chilly week so we spent a lot of time just watching movies, cuddling and doing stuff indoors. We did go out little bit, we went driving round, hung out with people and some shopping, its amazing he is better at bargain finding than some women. He bought me a spring outfit; it was on clearance so he got it for a great price.  We also hit some discount stores and I bought some beads and supplies for my jewelry crafts.

Wednesday night we went to a bar called the Oak, with his friend Jake. They serve like almost 300 varieties of beer and hard cider I tried like 8 kinds, but most of them were “sampler” size so I only drank like 3-4 full beer. Usually I prefer alcohol drinks to beer but I was pleasantly surprised that most of what I tried I enjoyed.  My favorite was one called Witches Brew it had a sweet fruity taste and it looked light amber on the bottom half of the glass and dark brown on the top half. The color separation just made it look so cool. I’d love to find out the company that makes it and if I can buy it from local store.

This weekend I’ll probably just be checking out the New(er) Costco with my Mom, and going to the Pantry Shelf store to pick up supplies to make chocolate bunnies and other candies for Easter baskets

Blah, Blah, Blah

Sorry that I haven’t posted in a month. I just have felt so “blah” and don’t think anyone is really reading this, or cares but they say journaling is good for emotional well being so I’m going to try to keep at it.

This is a day of disappointments. Today April Fools day is also my parents Anniversary. They had planned a weekend away at a nice hotel, and a fancy restaurant dinner. Well this morning my dad got a call that his favorite Aunt had died, so my parents will be spending Sunday in another state at a funeral.

I also got a phone call, for a job?  APRIL FOOLS!!! It’s one of those “work from home types” selling life insurance to seniors. Sales salary based on how much you can con seniors out of money. You have to pay set up cost, Bullshit! I need job with decent wage & benefits. I don’t have money for"setup costs”

My brother, Aral whom I’ve not heard from in WEEKS called today, from Colorado to wish our parents a Happy Anniversary. He is in Colorado doing some film project for a friend of his.

Also my younger sister Alica called to wish our parents a Happy Anniversary. I kept the phone call polite, but curt. I probably should have asked her more on how she was doing, but she doesn’t give a care on how I am. She gives the impression that if I died she be more concerned with “what did she leave me?” than the loss of my life.
I care for my sister and her husband, Justin but I have learned to keep my younger sister at arms length she has severely injure, offended and distressed me. She has given me “emotional 3rd degree burns’” way, way, way, way too many times and never giving a Sincere, Heartfelt Apology. So it is not realistic for her to think I can just be able to open up and allow her back into my “circle of trust”. A spiritual person would call her a “dark soul” a psychologist or science minded person might say she has a sociopathic personality either way my younger sister has ruined the close relationship we once had, and I doubt we will even be close again in this life.

So what has happened in the past month of March?
I think I tore a ligament or something in my knee. Its been like 6 weeks and its not doing good.  I keep trying to just take it easy on the knee and after a few days it gets better then once I start being active again it starts aching and anytime I bend or twist it makes loud popping noises and a sharp pain runs through it.  Oh joy.

I was rejected for the second time for the Veterinary assistant/reception position from McLaughlin. I applied there a couple ago, gave a follow up courtesy call, No response. My friend Amy is a client there and kept telling me over and over that her family had been talking to one of the Vets and that they had told her they would give me a job,” that they had a job just waiting for me” were her exact words. So I came in AGAIN in the early morning with an updated customized resume. The receptionist took my resume but did not give me a tour or allow me to talk to one of the vets even though NO ONE was in the waiting room. You can’t tell me there busy and expect me to believe it if they have no clients, but still I gave a follow up call again. STILL NO RESPONSE!  The Place is run by two older male Veterinarians, all the staff except the kennel cleaners are thin blonde women. They were just lying to my friend. They aren’t going to tell her that they won’t hire me because of my weight, because they make a lot of money off her dogs.

On Friday the 17th, St. Patrick’s Day I hung out with Rob & Melissa. We did a little drinking and watched movies, was a nice relaxing eve.

Saturday The 18th I Joined Rob and 2 of his co-workers/ friends on a 3 hour drive to northern part of Michigan for a funeral for another co-workers husband.  We left at 7am didn’t get back to Rob’s place until 7pm. It was a long exhausting depressing day.

Monday the 20th I was supposed to go to a Dream Theater concert, with Rob and his cohorts Jon & Ted but when we got out to Detroit we learned it had been cancelled! Since we’d already drove all that way and The Hockey Town restaurant & bar was right next door we all had dinner there.

On the 22nd Rob fulfilled one of my X fantasies. Such a silly simple thing to ask, don’t know why never told him about it. But oh was it fun, very enjoyable.

Later that week on the 23rd I believe, Paul my brother in law who had recently gone from Army reserves to full time Army was shipped off to South Carolina for 3 months of mechanics big wheel vehicle training. Following this training he may have a little time off before they send him over seas to Iraq for 2 years.  My 2 year old nephew Aaron is not taking this separation very well,  my sister, Amber seems to be doing ok.  They have been spending a lot of time here which is fine with me I enjoy spending time with my Sis & nephew.

The Zoo is Saved?!

The Zoo is Saved?! 
Following a week of heated public debate over the future of the Detroit Zoo, the Detroit City Council on Wednesday approved a deal to hand over management of the 75-year-old facility to the Detroit Zoological Society—laying to rest public concerns that the zoo may close.
Now the zoo must work to find other sources of funding to help pay for its $20 million a year average expenses.
Read more here:

http://www.detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060302/METRO/603020341

It still will take a couple months for the actually hand over of executive functions to be settled, most of the current employees will retain there jobs at there current pay but their benefits will be reduced. New hiring will probably not happen for some weeks, but I’m going to keep sending reminders that I am looking to join the zoo team.

In other news, Flu is still holding on but I am much better. Who ever has stock in Kleenex is making some money off me. I hope sitting out in the cold this coming Saturday won’t make me worse. Rob is dragging me to a Monster Truck Show.  Not really my ideal of entertainment, but I’ve never been to one, and it’s what he wanted for his birthday. 

                        http://www.michiganmonstertrucks.com/”

Shrove Tuesday, Pancake Day, Fat Tuesday, Paczki day

Shrove Tuesday, Pancake Day, Fat Tuesday, Paczki day, Rob’s Birthday “)whatever you call today is a day of feasting and celebration for many Christians or people who just Love to eat.

So who out there has been indulging in high carb, fatty, sugary goodness today? 

What is Shrove Tuesday/Pancake Day/Fat Tuesday/ Paczki Day?

A brief historical explanation on what each of these different names for this same day mean:

Shrove Tuesday is the Tuesday before Ash Wednesday which is the first day of Lent. Shrove Tuesday gets its name from the ritual of shriving that Christians used to undergo in the past. In shriving, a person confesses their sins and receives absolution (forgiveness, pardon) for them.
It’s a day of penitence, to clean the soul, and a day of celebration as the last chance to feast before Lent begins. Shrove Tuesday is sometimes called Pancake Day after the fried batter recipe traditionally eaten on this day. Pancakes were a dish that could use up all the eggs, fats and milk in the house with just the addition of flour.

There are traditionally forty days in Lent which are marked by fasting, both from foods and festivities, and by other acts of penance. Today, some people give up something they enjoy, and often give the time or money spent doing that thing to charitable purposes or organizations.

Giving up foods: but not wasting them
In the old days there were many foods that observant Christians would not eat during Lent: foods such as meat and fish, fats, eggs, and milky foods and only one meal was eaten each day.
In old times food stored away in the previous autumn was running out, or had to be used up before it went bad in store, and little or no new food crop was expected soon. So that no food was wasted, families would have a feast on the shriving Tuesday, and eat up all the foods that wouldn’t last the forty days of Lent.

Fat Tuesday is the literal English translation for “Mardi Gras” – the huge festival that New Orleans, Louisiana is famous for. The fun starts on January 6 which is the Twelfth Night Feast of the Epiphany and continue on until the big finale on the day before Ash Wednesday. Fat Tuesday is named such because partying involves eating anything and everything in sight in preparation for the long season of fasting for Christians. Partying continues on until the stroke of Midnight, the official beginning of Lent.

New Orleans isn’t the only city that celebrates Fat Tuesday. Michigan has a lot of fun, every year, on this last day before lent. In Michigan, Fat Tuesday is better known as Paczki Day.
What is a paczki?
A paczki (pronounced “Poonch-key” ) is a Polish donut. It uses a richer batter than traditional donuts. These donuts are traditionally filled with raspberry or prune filling although a huge variety of other fillings are now available. Hamtramck, a small Polish city within Detroit, is where the authentic Polish bakeries are located and thousands of metro Detroiters travel to Hamtramck every year on Fat Tuesday to indulge. In Michigan, Fat Tuesday is so named for the oil and shortening found in paczkis that Christian Poles so often give up for Lent.
Paczki Day is a Polish Holiday and was essentially unknown to the greater Detroit area until the 80’s when the media first started covering this day and, more aptly, the yummy Polish treats. Now it seems like everyone is Polish on Paczki Day! It’s become a Michigan tradition, regardless of ethnic origin.

Prejudice & Productivity

Because companies are trying to use technology to make employees perform at “super human” rates, many tend to be highly prejudiced when hiring in the (erroneous) belief they are promoting higher productivity.

Racial stereotypes play into employer’s perception that one race may be more intelligent, more creative, more technologically apt and thus more productive than another. But Affirmative action and equal opportunity hiring laws help combat these issues.

Sexism is still obvious in our patriarchal society; the archaic believe that men have higher stamina, more intelligence and that women are less reliable because there decisions are ruled by fluctuating hormones. Women work just as hard if not harder than men but statistics gathered by the U.S. Census Bureau show a woman doing the same sometimes even better work than a man is still paid less, in 2004; women earned 23.5% less than men earned

There is obvious prejudice against the over weight and obese in our county. Employers assume excess weight is equivalent to someone who is lazy, undisciplined, weak, unattractive, etc. They don’t want that type of person associated with there company, especially if its women.

Researchers at Memphis state university have found that employers are less likely to hire a fat woman. And once she lands a job, she will face more discrimination.
The American Journal of Public health found that fat women are paid 30% less of what an average size women is paid -and that’s on top of women already getting paid less than men.  53.5% less!!!!!

“Fat” women have to work 10 times as hard to get a job and to prove ourselves. Once we have the position, we are least likely to be awarded substantial raises or promotions. Even when we out perform our co-workers.

Even though the over weight and obese outnumber thin Americans, our courts do little to cushion us from prejudice. No federal laws prohibit discrimination against obese people. In fact only laws in a handful of places around the country- Michigan; San Francisco & Santa Cruz, CA; Washington D.C., make it illegal to discriminate based on appearance at all. But even here it is nearly impossible to prove you were discriminated against because of your size, unless you have hidden cameras, Money and a very good lawyer.

americans work more, seem to accomplish less

Do you feel like your working all the time and getting nothing done? You are not alone.

Americans work more, seem to accomplish less

By Ellen Wulfhorst

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Most U.S. workers say they feel rushed on the job, but they are getting less accomplished than a decade ago, according to newly released research.

The biggest culprit is the technology that was supposed to make work quicker and easier, experts say.

“Technology has sped everything up and, by speeding everything up, it’s slowed everything down, paradoxically,” said John Challenger, chief executive of Chicago-based outplacement consultants Challenger, Gray & Christmas Inc.

“We never concentrate on one task anymore. You take a little chip out of it, and then you’re on to the next thing,” Challenger said on Wednesday. “It’s harder to feel like you’re accomplishing something.”

Unlike a decade ago, U.S. workers are bombarded with e-mail, computer messages, cell phone calls, voice mails and the like, research showed.

Quite a few people haven’t mastered the use of this technology or take the time to read the manuals on basic functions so they waste time trying to figure it out and often create a bigger problem.  Then tech people have to waste there time on minor personal problems like ‘how do I change my voice mail message or change my email settings’  which takes time away from more major issues such as updating servers or preventing the latest nasty computer worm from stealing all company’s employee personal data to use for identity left.

The average time spent on a computer at work was almost 16 hours a week last year, compared with 9.5 hours a decade ago, according to the Day-Timer research released this week.
Workers typically get 46 e-mails a day, nearly half of which are unsolicited, it said.

Unwanted junk mail is flooding people’s inbox which they have to weed through and waste time that should be used for something more productive.

“We think we’re faster, smarter, better with all this technology at our side and in the end, we still feel rushed and our feeling of productivity is down,” said Maria Woytek, marketing communications manager for Day-Timers, a unit of ACCO Brands Corp.

Machines often break down or malfunction; only a few people are trained to fix them or a “repair man/tech” has to be called in to restore function while work backs up. But customers are not patient people. Many managers/bosses are neither patient or empathetic so they harasses workers even though repeatedly bitching and threats won’t make the one machine work twice as fast to compensate for the 2nd broke machine.

Expectations that technology would save time and money largely haven’t been borne out in the workplace, said Ronald Downey, professor of psychology who specializes in industrial organization at Kansas State University.

“It just increases the expectations that people have for your production,” Downey said.

Even if productivity increases, it’s constantly outpaced by those expectations, said Don Grimme of GHR Training
Solutions, a workplace training company based in Coral Springs, Florida.

“The irony is the very expectation of getting more done is getting in the way of getting more done,” he said. “People are stressed out.”

Companies that are flexible with workers’ time and give workers the most control over their tasks tend to fare better against the sea of rising expectations, experts said.

Businesses that have moved to 24-hour operations, bosses who micro-manage and longer commutes all add to the problem, they said, while downsizing leaves fewer workers doing the work of those who left.

Finally, there’s a trend among companies to measure job performance like never before, said Challenger. “There’s a sense that no matter how much I do, it’s never enough,” he said.