Misery and Mirth

Sick & Tired of being Sick & Tired

For around 6 years I’ve been suffering from a general sense of not feeling well and dealing with the challenge to adjust to this and even accept it. Knowing I am ill, but having doctors too ignorant or negligent to find a diagnosis. Going about life with pain and discomfort and finding it difficult to achieve goals. Adjusting to this state of unwellness is a daily challenge.

As difficult as it is for me to adjust and accept this constant state of unwellness the periods when the illness become more severe present an even more formidable challenge. When the disease attacks, the unwellness shifts to almost unbearable sickness. Pain and fatigue can be so severe as to make movement agonizing.  My sleep, mental functions, motor skills are impaired, simple little things like getting dressed, making meals become minor battles.
As frustrating as it is to accept limitations imposed by my illness(es), worse still are the shame and embarrassment as well as anxiety that come from trying to communicate my limits to others and asking for help. It is difficult adjusting to being handicapped when appearing well.  People often think you are “faking” or hypochondriac. “How can you be sick when you look fine?” There’s this sense of being distrusted and my own self doubt and confusion make me terribly vulnerable to the suspicious and misperceptions of those around me. “Maybe if you went on a different diet, exercised more, slept better, tried yoga, saw a therapist etc”

These periods when my illness(es) “flares” are extremely difficult to endure, not only because of the pain, limitations and lack of understanding(even from my old doctors) but also because of the fear that the disease may seriously worsen, attack new organs or body systems, threatening not only my quality of life but my life itself.  I worry will I have to suffer like this for the rest of my life; will I end up in a wheel chair, bed ridden?
Suicidal thoughts have been frequent; attempting to adjust to the uncertainty of my unwellness can at times make death seem clear, simple and desirable.
Being dependent is a humiliating experience.  I feel worthless, desperate, weak, and vulnerable but I try to appear strong and in command of my self, my life. This “illusion” I guess gives me some sense of worth.

If someone asks “how are you?” my usual 1st response it to answer “fine” even though I may feel terribly awful.  I am already an obese woman and considered an undesirable lower life form by societal standards, the fear of the persons impatience or rejection and the desire not to appear a whining, complainer too, compels me to LIE. These feelings of wanting to be accepted,  to not feel like an outcast often provoke me to act as a people pleaser. I want people to be happy because it they are pleased they will like me. But am I really doing myself any good?
This blog is helping me to not be so preoccupied with what everyone else thinks of me and to be more true to expressing myself. This has resulted in some friends choosing not to talk to me as much or not at all but others I found to be true friends and check in with me often.

It is great to finally having a primary care physicians who’s intelligent enough to see that there has been some underlying illness since around 2000, and willing to listen to me and encourage me to see as many specialist as it takes, because she wants to know too.  She’s not just about “your 15 min are up, pay me and get out the door.”
I do have Hope, not that I can be cured but that I can finally find answers and learn to cope, survive and thrive despite my illness.  That I will learn to accept my limitations without feeling worthless and accept the suffering of today with grace and dignity. To take one day at a time, to plan for the future but not stress over the worst that may come. Plans can be postponed or changed when need arises and I have the strength to deal with it and keep moving on and live a content life.

I have to give “Props” the to the book ‘Sick and Tired of Feeling Sick and Tired’ by Paul Donohue PHD & Mary Siegel PHD. This book was instrumental in helping me express myself in this post, a lot of my content was modified from topics discussed in this book.

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